After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
