are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
My balls are so social today.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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