Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize