Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
