What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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