I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
