Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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