i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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