i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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