We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Randomize
