I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
