I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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