Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
