dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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