omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Fuck appropriateness.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
