He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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