thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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