help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
