Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
