broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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