Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
