Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I need to align my fucking chakras
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
