Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
