She is in my trunk
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
