I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
