I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm having to shit out rocks
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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