I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize