Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
