Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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