i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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