i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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