We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
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