Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
