2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
