Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
