i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
