I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
my poor anus
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
