Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
