I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
