This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
