We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
