guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
