my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
