what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
