he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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