Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
