I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
