guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
