if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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