I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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