If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
