this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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