I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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