I love having hate sex.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
