so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
