Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
