Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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