And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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