If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
