i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
