Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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