i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm at about main and main street
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Boobs speak an international language.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
