forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
